The episode opens with Liz and Jack at a dinner party hosted by Gavin Volure (Steve Martin, this week's uber-guest star), an eccentric businessman suffering from agoraphobia and who therefore has not left his house in several years. Before the night is over, he bonds with a very appreciative Jack by giving him a hot tip on a new sure fire investment opportunity, and also develops a quick infatuation with Liz.
Jack finds out that Kenneth has been sending money home to his parents so that they can fortify themselves against their inbred and increasingly violent livestock herd. Jack offers to invest Kenneth's coffee can money stash in the company that Gavin had told him about so that he would be able to buy his parents a "Pig Moat". Tracy begins to wonder why his kids are paying unusual attention to him and after seeing a snippet of a documentary on the Menendez murders he decides that they must be trying to kill him for his money (which has been piling up due to his video game sales and tie-ins such as a lifelike sex doll that has been selling like hotcakes in the Japanese market).
The next day, Gavin calls Liz and invites her out to his lavish house to spend the weekend with him. She agrees to his invitation but has misgivings because she has no interest in any of the things involved in the beginning stages of a new relationship -- nodding, smiling, and exchanging sibling information. She tells Jack that she doesn't want to be alone, but would prefer to enter into a relationship at about the "12 year" mark when she could just sit with her significant other and make fun of TV shows before going to bed without anyone trying to get frisky. Despite these concerns, she does go to meet Volure, but without much hope or enthusiasm. As he explains the limitations that his lifestyle and his agoraphobia would place on any possible relationship they may have, however, Liz finds herself more and more intrigued by the idea. Her hopes are soon dashed again, though, when Volure sends his man-servant out of the room and tries to make a quick escape from his house with Liz in tow. He doesn't make it far, as he is tackled in the back yard by a US Marshall. We find out that he is in fact under house arrest on tax fraud, embezzlement, and racketeering charges, and to top it off he isn't even a real germaphobe!
Jack phones his broker who tells him that the money he invested on his and Kenneth's behalf is all gone and that the account was closed that morning. As this disturbing news sinks in, Liz appears and tells Jack that his new friend Volure is a crook, which leads Jack to go out and confront Volure in an attempt to get his money back (which he can't do, since Volure spent it all on his botched escape attempt). Volure then does manage to escape custody and Jack has to go back empty handed and tell Kenneth that he lost his $4000, but figures a way to pay him back when Kenneth gets offered the job of floor safety coordinator.
Volure surprises everyone by showing up on the set of TGS. He says he has come back for Liz, since he has fallen hard for her. Liz rejects him and Jack tries to get him to turn himself in, but Volure panics and threatens him with a wet paint brush before climbing up a scaffold and threatening to kill himself by jumping. Kenneth races down the hallway with his safety coordinator helmet and tool-kit, and offers Tracy some saltines to calm his nerves. Jack tries to talk Volure down and then we see Tracy saving the day by tackling him up on the scaffold. He had confused Volure by cleverly using one of his full-sized Japanese market sex-dolls as a decoy!