Michael's busy setting up a third date with Holly, and we all know what a third date means to Michael Scott: sex. He says he'll know that Holly feels the same if she starts having sex with him during their date. Well. Yes.
They discuss where to go: the mall, perhaps? But Michael declares that the decision on what to eat at the food court will be dictated by whether or not they'll be having sex. Oops. Or at least it would be an oops if Holly were most women, but fortunately for Michael, Holly is not most women, and instead he gets a resounding "Hell yeah." Michael? Can't breathe.
Later, after closing time but before their dinner reservation, Michael and Holly play Crazy Eights, complete with silly voices (of course), in the conference room. As they're walking out of the building to the parking lot, Holly suddenly remembers she forgot her keys, but her grin back to the camera tells us she did no such thing. She drags Michael into the stairwell for some lovin'... only they still have their mics on. Michael claims if they just turn this dial all the way down, no one can hear them. I shouldn't even have to tell you that he turns them up instead of down.
The next morning, Michael and Holly walk in to the whole office freaking out because they've been broken into. The thieves got Oscar's laptop and Kevin's surge protector (he is just devastated), for starters. Angela's busy on the phone cancelling all the company checks, and Dwight's wondering whether the break-in was the work of vintage HP computer collectors. Holly drags Michael into his office and asks whether he locked the door when they left last night. He didn't. Neither did she. She bemoans that this is their fault.
Michael is going to hold a charity auction to recoup their losses, and he's calling it Crime Aid (like Farm Aid, but instead of farms fighting against aids, it's Dunder Mifflin fighting against their own poverty. His words, not mine). Michael's got Springsteen tickets with backstage passes to auction off, and he and Holly do an incredibly dorky interview on the topic. You may be interested to know they had sex twice last night. Congrats, you two crazy kids.
The auction is held in the warehouse, and to open, Michael explains that C.r.i.m.e. A.i.d. is an acronym for Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. But of course. Michael's gavel squeaks when he bangs it (that's what she said! ...Also his words, not mine) because Phyllis couldn't find a real one.
The first item, yoga lessons with Holly, has no takers. Michael finally buys it for the starting bid, $300. The warehouse guys' item up for auction is a trip to the pub with them for beer, right now. Jim bids $5 and Darryl yells, "Sold!" They leave. Creed will be auctioning Creed. As one does. Kevin offers his services for tax season, federal and state. Nothing. He yells, "FINE!" and storms off the podium.
The security guy is "auctioning" CDs for $4 a pop. He sings some really bad blues and sort of plunks around on his guitar. It's looking bad for Michael's cause until David Wallace from corporate shows up to auction off a weekend at his place in Martha's Vineyard. Everyone's on that like white on rice.
The last big ticket item is Michael's Springsteen tickets, only he can't find the envelope. When he declares they must have been stolen, people start leaving in disgust.
But Phyllis still has her hug left to auction. This starts a bidding war between Bob Vance, David Wallace, Andy and... Dwight. Dwight keeps upping Bob Vance by a penny, and it goes around until Bob Vance hits a grand. Dwight says it's not worth it, and Phyllis's hug is sold to Bob Vance. Heh, cute.
The grand total raised by the auction is $1,803. Holly colours in the giant thermometer as Michael interviews that it was... well, a grey area on whether he ever had the tickets. Holly knows this but doesn't care, because she says that, like Michael, the tickets seemed too good to be true. Except the difference is that so far Michael is real. Oh, Holly. They make out in the warehouse and David Wallace sees them. Outside, he interviews that no, in fact he was not aware they were dating.
In Jim/Pam news, Pam accidentally drunk-dialed Jim's work phone at 3 a.m. the night before, and he's six minutes into her "message" before he hangs up and lovingly and long-sufferingly tells the camera, "Future mother of my children." Oh, one can hope. Both my roommate and I were quite convinced that the message was going to turn disastrous, but who knows, maybe the show will buck all tradition and let these two finally get to be together easily and happily. WE CAN DREAM.
There's one other thing working in their favour, and that's that any Roy issues that may have been outstanding seem to be taken care of in this episode. Jim runs into Roy while out with the warehouse guys, and after they establish that they're both good and Roy's not going to attack Jim, they have a beer together and Jim tells Roy that Pam's in New York going to art school and that she's... engaged... to him. Roy says a simple congratulations and it's not as awkward as it could be. He just wants to make sure Pam's happy.
But then when Jim tells him that Pam was out with her friends until 8 a.m. the night (morning?) before, Roy says, "I thought you were her friend." Jim gives us a pensive look, and before long he's in his car on his way to New York, because, as he says, he just feels like he should. Suddenly, though, he pulls a u-turn on the highway and says he's heading back to Scranton because he doesn't want to be That Guy. Good, because Roy is enough of That Guy for everyone.
And what of that Dwight/Angela/Andy love triangle? Well, Andy and Angela have set a date and Dwight is not okay with this. Phyllis offers a sympathetic ear, and Dwight tells her that Angela introduced him to so many things: pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine... He asks Phyllis why Angela's marrying Andy, and Phyllis says it's because she's not a risk-taker, and Andy's not a risk. She says he has to tell Angela how he feels so she can make an informed choice between them.
Dwight corners Angela and demands that she make a decision between him and Andy by 6:14 p.m. or she loses THIS (heh, I think he points to his crotch, but I can't be sure. It's shot through the blinds on the window to the lunch room).
During the auction, Dwight's watch beeps to tell him it's 6:14. He looks back at Angela, but she's just looking at Andy. Dwight drags Phyllis outside under the pretense that someone slashed her tires. Someone did – Dwight. Phyllis wonders whether he couldn't have just said her tires were slashed. Dwight wants to know how to get Angela back. Phyllis says he shouldn't try; Angela's made her choice. Dwight is indignant that Phyllis even tried to help. Of course he is. This can only end one way: with a runaway bride and an elopement. In other words, in happiness for all, except for one Andrew Bernard, who may need another trip to anger management.
I really loved all the Dwight/Phyllis stuff in this episode.