Review: 2 Fast 2 Furious

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Perhaps The Simpsons' "Comic Book Guy" said it best when he declared, "Oh, I've wasted my life," right before a nuclear bomb launched into Springfield by the French explodes, killing all of its residents, except -- of course -- for Homer Simpson. The aforementioned sentiment also happens to perfectly express my current state of mind, and come to think of it, maybe having a nuclear bomb dropped on me at some point wouldn't be so bad either.

Now, what could possibly drive me to such a state of existential despair, you ask? Well, it could possibly have something to do with the five years spent working on a very expensive, but even more worthless university degree. Or, it might just have something to do with the last three years (and going) working meaningless and menial jobs, in which the reward just never seems to outweigh the urge to "go postal". Or just maybe, it is the very act of writing these very words, which I'm sure nobody will ever read. Yes, I believe all of the above would suffice to drive any man to think that he has wasted his life. However, not every man has had to endure a screening of 2 Fast 2 Furious on top of everything else... Oh, how I have wasted my life.

In this sequel to 2001's The Fast and the Furious, we come to find that it is only Paul Walker returning to reprise his role from the first movie. Supposedly, Mr. Big Shot, Vin Diesel demanded more money than the studio was willing to pay, and hence, one will find that 2 Fast 2 Furious will be quite absent of one rather swollen and bald head. Subsequently, with the absence of Vin Diesel, one would hope that the overall I.Q. of 2 Fast 2 Furious would then be a few points higher, but quite unfortunately, this is not the case at all.

2 Fast 2 Furious' lack of complete intelligence is not only aptly exemplified by the movie's title (and spelling), but not surprisingly, in its very story/plot as well. One must truly ponder how much beer and weed screenwriters Michael Brandt and Derek Haas consumed to come up with 2 Fast 2 Furious' idiotic and childish plot. Seemingly stolen from the most horrendous of 1980's B-movie plots (or old episodes of Miami Vice), we find Walker's ex-cop Brian O'Conner now living in Miami, Florida, living a rather glamorous hand-to-mouth existence by the way of illegal street car racing. But when O'Conner is suddenly busted by an old law enforcement associate, with the aide of some customs agents, the former cop is given a rather unappetizing proposition: help bust drug lord bad guy, Carter Verone (Cole Hauser), or spend some nice quality time behind bars. Of course, as bad screenwriting would dictate, O'Conner decides to go undercover for the feds, and play for the good guys this one last time.

Along for the ride is model-turned-singer-turned-actor Tyrese, playing Roman Pearce, an old thug friend of O'Conner's who is tempted into helping the cops with promises of having his criminal record completely wiped. Add a few silicon injected strippers (or is it models? -- ah, same difference) who have been fooled into thinking they can act, and a couple of rappers (Ludacris, Jin) in need of some further exposure (because rappers just aren't getting enough attention these days), and you complete the wonderfully inane cast of 2 Fast 2 Furious -- and yes, the caliber of the acting is equal, if not considerably lower, to the caliber of the casting.

Basically, 2 Fast 2 Furious is the filmic equivalent of a five-year-old boy playing with his Hot Wheels; mindlessly making vroom-vroom noises with his mouth, as he smashes cars into one another on the linoleum kitchen floor. In fact, it just occurred to me that I actually wrote the script for 2 Fast 2 Furious, but then decided that it would be more suited to wiping my ass. So mindless and boring is the experience of having to sit through the multi-million dollar joke that is 2 Fast 2 Furious, I was actually able to achieve a transcendent meditative state, in which I was then able to discover the meaning of life, only to abruptly forget it, as I accidentally tuned into a scene in which Paul Walker and Tyrese actually attempted to sound both "street" and hip at the same time, but instead only managed to give a dictionary-worthy definition of the word "ridiculous".

Sadly, 2 Fast 2 Furious will undoubtedly do well at the box-office, and actually serve as an ample form of entertainment to a certain population of the Earth's people. Of course, the majority of audiences who will be delighted by 2 Fast 2 Furious' immature blend of fast cars and even faster women, will be largely composed of the kind of guys who must compensate for their rather diminished brain and penis sizes with their oversized engines, and the kind of girls whose idea of a romantic evening usually ends with a two minute shag in the back seat of a G.T.O. at the drive-in... Ha, and I'm the one who thinks I've wasted his life.

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