Filed under: Walkey Talk
MAN CHRISTMAS *
It's that time of year that all men love: aimlessly wandering around a parking lot looking for a space, standing in line for hours between an old lady and a screaming baby, being ripped off by a jewellery salesperson... and this usually all occurs on December 23!
Yes the holiday season is in full swing. It's the time of year to spend with your loved ones. And if they're not available, your family will do.
Chestnuts roasting, jack frost nipping, fruitcake puking... the holidays are more than just family fun. It's also a great time for some macho male bonding. For all the dudes out there, here are the best MAN CHRISTMAS movies:
For the Dads: It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And sometimes you have everything you need in life, but just don't realize it. For George Banks (Jimmy Stewart), he learns what life is like without him and it's a scary thought. The best thing about It's a Wonderful Life is that it celebrates the everyman. It teaches that everyone can make a difference no matter how big or small, everyone touches people. Even ordinary joes like George.
For the Mad Men: Scrooged (1988)
A Capitalist morality play from the Regan era, with a greedy media mogul filling in for Ebeneezer Scrooge. Murray is at his snide sarcastic best as the "Stupid White Man" about to learn to get his priorities straight. This one gets better with age. Because modern day scrooges are not grouches, they're condescending pricks like Frank Cross.
For the Hedonist: Bad Santa (2003)
The holidays are a great time for boozing, drugging, and whoring. But for those who can't fit that in their busy schedule, they can live vicariously through Willie a foulmouthed drunken mall Santa con man, played effortlessly by Billy Bob Thornton. Willie is about to have his life turned upside down when he meets a lonely kid in this profane, black comedy.
For the Frat Boy: Elf (2003)
Will Ferrel is at his clueless best in this fish out of water comedy about a real life elf in New York City. Zooey Deschenel is charming as his love interest who helps him spread good cheer to a bunch of cynical New Yorkers. More sentimental and less raunchy than most of Ferrel's other comedies, but also one of his funniest.
For the Jocks: Rocky IV (1985)
The movie that ended the cold war: "If I can change, and you can change! Everybody can change!"
Nothing says Winter Wonderland more than the frozen tundra of Siberia, where The Messiah (Rocky Balboa) trains to do battle with The Devil (Ivan Drago) on Christ's birthday – December 25.
For Everyone: Die Hard (1988)
This isn't just the best Man Christmas movie ever: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho!". Nor is this just the greatest action movie ever. "Yipee Ki-yay Motherf****r". It's also a complicated love story about a married couple working out a few kinks, a cat and mouse power struggle between Americans and Germans, and a social commentary about the media exploiting catastrophes. Not to mention the lush music: cue Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" and beautiful costumes: "Nice suit. John Phillips. London."
For nostalgics, it's also a who's who of 80s character actors: look there's Carl from Family Matters; Hey there's one of the Fratellis from The Goonies; Wow, it's the principal from The Breakfast Club; Is that Aristotle from Head of the Class?; I think that's Genghis Khan from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure; and look there's... Huey Lewis?
Sit down George. Go home Ralphie. Suck it Macauly! There is only one name we need to know this holiday season and every holiday season. That name is McClane. John McClane.
*Man Christmas is a registered trademark of Mike Walkey enterprises.