Oscar Talk: The First Annual Walkwards!

Posted by: Mike Walkey  •  February 25, 2012 @ 3:49pm

Filed under: Walkey Talk

It's that time of year. This Sunday marks the 84th Academy Awards, where Hollywood hands out Oscars celebrating the year's best in film. Will The Help spoil Harvey Weinstien's victory plans for The Artist? Will Hugo tie a record for the film with the most nominations and no wins? Will it be Viola or Meryl? Will Woody Allen attend this year? You'll have to wait until Sunday night, since I'm not going to provide answers, either. That's right -- no predictions here, folks. I don't make predictions. That way, I'll never be wrong! I also walk to the beat of my own drum, so instead of predictions, here are the first annual Walkey Talk Awards, or what I like to call, The Walkwards!

BEST POSTER: Midnight in Paris

MOST BADASS MOVIE: Drive

GUILTIEST PLEASURES: Limitless; Source Code

MOST AWESOMELY AWESOME SCENE: The bank vault car chase in Fast Five

THOUGHT IT WOULD SUCK BUT ACTUALLY DECENT: Footloose

MOST UNDERRATED: Water for Elephants

MOST OVERRATED: The Descendents

BEST DATE MOVIE: Puss in Boots

WORST DATE MOVIE: Shame

MOST UNNECESSARY MOVIE: Glee: The 3D Concert Movie

MOST UNNECESSARY SEQUEL: Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

BEST NUDITY: A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

WORST NUDITY: The Hangover

BEST OVERACTING: Colin Farrell, Horrible Bosses

WISH MORE PEOPLE SAW YOU: Win Win, 50/50, Like Crazy, Hugo

WAY BETTER THAN EXPECTED: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol; Rise of the Planet of the Apes

BEST TREND: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: Franchise Viagra

WORST TREND: Re-releasing old movies in 3D; romantic comedies about a date on the calendar (New Year's Eve)

MOST GRATUITOUS ATTEMPT TO WIN AN OSCAR: War Horse; Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

MOST WELCOME RETURN: The Muppets

BEST OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

SWEATIEST MOVIE: Fast Five

MOST INSPIRATIONAL: The Help; Being Elmo

BEST "KUBRICKIAN" MOVIE: The Tree of Life

BEST "SPIELBERGIAN" MOVIE: Super 8

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE: Captain America

BEST 3D MOVIE: Hugo

WORST 3D MOVIE: The Three Muskateers

ENOUGH ALREADY!: Found footage movies; George Lucas tinkering with the original Star Wars Trilogy

MOST RANDOM CASTING: Tower Heist

EVIDENCE THAT SARAH JESSICA PARKER IS NOT A MOVIE STAR: New Year's Eve; I Don't Know How She Does It

EVIDENCE THERE'S A LACK OF ORIGINALITY IN HOLLYWOOD: The top nine highest-grossing movies are sequels

MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOU A GERMAPHOBE: Contagion

BEST SEQUEL TO THE SEVENTH MOVIE IN A SERIES BASED ON POPULAR BOOKS: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: The Hangover Part 2

BEST USE OF FECAL MATTER: Chocolate pie scene from The Help

WORST USE OF FECAL MATTER: Sneezing in the bathtub scene in Hall Pass

WORST AWARD-WINNING FOLLOW-UP: Natalie Portman, who followed up her Best Actress-winning performance in Black Swan with No Strings Attached and Your Highness

BEST TITLES: From Prada to Nada; Friends with Benefits

WORST TITLES: I Am Number Four; What's Your Number?; Something Borrowed

PROOF THAT PENGUINS ARE SOOOO 2006: Mr. Popper's Penguins; Happy Feet Two

REALLY?: Jack and Jill

BEST CASTING: Brad Pitt as an ex-ball player in Moneyball; Charlize Theron as an ex-prom queen in Young Adult; John Hamm as a sleeze in Bridesmaids; Matthew McConaughey in The Lincoln Lawyer

WORST CASTING: Seth Rogen in The Green Hornet; Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern; Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher; Kevin James as someone married to Winona Ryder in The Dilemma

WORST MAKE-UP: J. Edgar

And finally, here are my Top 5 Dream Oscar Hosts:

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: A multi-talented song and dance comedian who could bring the house down with a opening number a la Billy Crystal; use his irreverent sarcasm and wit a la Steve Martin; or just stand there and look good with class and panache a la Johnny Carson. Bonus points for being under 60 years old!

TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG: Who better to point out the absurdity of the stuffy ceremony than the gut-busting Triumph from Conan?

RICKY GERVAIS: If for some reason Triumph can't make it, and they want an... I don't know... human being? Then I guess Ricky is the next best thing.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Another triple threat like NPH. The reason why JT is such a good SNL host is because he's fearless. He's not afraid to look silly. He just lets it all out and would do anything for a laugh. He'd be totally comfortable with the whole world watching and would definitely give it 110%.

BILL HADER & KRISTEN WIIG: They made such a cute team in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Adventureland; Bill Hader is already the go-to man on SNL for game show hosts and political debate moderators. He can man the podium while Wiig runs up and down the aisles harassing the stars.

That's all, folks. You're welcome and enjoy the show!

Tags: Oscars, 84th Academy Awards, Midnight in Paris, Neil Patrick Harris, Hugo, Fast Five, Water for Elephants, Colin Farrell, The Muppets, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

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