Welcome to the 50th Annual Grammy Awards, music's big night of celebrating mediocrity and huge egos! Rather than trying to sum up four hours of crazy dresses and crazier performances after the fact, Sarah and Ariana (that would be me), our self-proclaimed music experts, blogged the show live from Sarah's living room so you could relive the experience right alongside us! But you have to bring your own pizza.
7:58 p.m. Either they're starting early, or my computer clock is slow. Alicia Keys will be singing with Dead Frank Sinatra.
Sarah: Oh my gosh. She's actually singing okay, but you have to close your eyes because she's so over-selling it. And she's not even playing the piano.
Ariana: Uh, no way.
Colleen (Sarah's friend from out of town who will be making a guest appearance tonight): She's not?
S: No, her hands are just flailing randomly.
(As self-proclaimed music experts, Sarah and Ariana know these things. Plus they've both played the piano their whole lives; that helps too.)
A: I think she played for a second there!
S: No. There are piano fills and her hands aren't even moving.
Alicia gets up.
S: Okay, I like her dress.
A: No! It's squashing her boobs like this! *squashes boobs*
S: Ugh, you are so right. Ew. But the colour is nice.
A: I hate her so much.
8:03 p.m. Alicia introduces Carrie Underwood.
A: Is it like, actual Stomp, or just Stomp-esque?
S: Whoa, formal shorts? Are you kidding? She's dressed like a gas station attendant.
A: With a bouffant. You know, I liked this song, and then I actually listened to it. It's annoying.
S: Yeah. She's got pipes though.
A: Yeah. She's doing really well. Props to Carrie.
8:08 p.m. Alicia Keys wins Best Female R&B Performance for "No One." BOOOOOOOOOO. Worst single of the year! After "Rehab"! Sarah would like the record to show that she sort of likes this song, and Alicia Keys (despite her lame-o non-piano-playing, apparently). I loathe both. This could end in a fist fight. Alicia gives the longest, most annoying speech of all time. STOP SQUINTING.
8:10 p.m. They show us a bunch of the winners earlier in the evening as we head to commercials. I really love how they only show 2% of the awards on tv. Here's my suggestion: Fewer crappy Alicia Keys performances, MORE AWARDS.
8:15 p.m. Here's Jimmy Jam and The Time to provide slick dance moves and Hammer pants and sing some "oh-wee-oh-wee-oh." Awesome.
8:17 p.m. Rihanna appears out of nowhere to sing snippets of "Umbrella" and "Don't Stop the Music."
8:20 p.m. Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks! He's here to tell us about The Band, and why not? They're getting a Lifetime Achievement Award. You know who else is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award? The Beatles. Paul is not in attendance. Now we will have a Beatles medley and dance number, courtesy of Cirque du Soleil.
And... bathroom break!
8:29 p.m. I am so bored by this. And Sarah is angry that one of her favourite Beatles songs ("Let It Be") is being ruined in this manner. Who are these people? What is this about? I AM SO CONFUSED. Does this have something to do with Across the Universe? Where can I find answers?
8:31 p.m. Hannah Montana and Cyndi Lauper are here to present Best New Artist to Feist, Ledisi, Paramore, Tayor Swift or Amy Winehouse. GO FEIST GO! The winner is... friggin' Amy Winehouse.
S: Only she can't accept it, because she's in rehab.
A warning, if I may. That was only the first of many rehab jokes.
8:33 p.m. Jason Bateman! Outside! Ostensibly introducing the Foo Fighters! And he is! ...In a bit, and they will be accompanied by the "My Grammy Moment" orchestra. Okay? There is some voting thing for really bad string soloists... yay. Whatever. Foos plz!
8:43 p.m. Kanye, performing "Stronger." His ugly white venetian blind glasses are definitely lit from inside, like glowsticks. How can he SEE? This performance is really awesomely lit as a whole. It's very space age.
S (as the performance comes to a close): Ooh, blastoff.
Kanye is SINGING. Like, not rapping; SINGING. And it's really pretty. It's to his mommy! His poor dead momma. Oh, it's so sad.
S: Did you know he doesn't write any of his lyrics down?
A: Like, ever?
S: Yep. He thinks that paper is the middle man or something.
S: Yeah, I saw it on Ellen.
A: Everything comes back to Ellen.
(Here is where I will tell you the story of how Sarah's friend Colleen knew all about Delilah, like the real Delilah, and the Plain White T's when they showed up on the red carpet earlier, and it was thanks to Ellen.)
8:50 p.m. Fergie. Uh-oh. No peeing, Fergie. Yes, that's right, I'm stuck in 2006. She's singing with John Legend (who is playing the piano for real), and it's actually really pretty, and she also looks really pretty. Apparently, being engaged to Josh Duhamel does a girl good.
A: HE'S a good piano player.
8:52 p.m. Fergie & JL are presenting the Best Soundtrack Grammy to Across the Universe, Hairspray, Love, Once or Dreamgirls (okay, now who's stuck in 2006?). We start chanting "Hairspray! Hairspray!" It goes to Love. That's the Beatles one, in case you were wondering. We like Sir George Martin, so we're okay with it. By the way, if you like music and you haven't seen Once yet, you should watch it.
9:01 p.m. "The one and only... Cher." Cher introduces Beyoncé.
S: She couldn't have put some pants on for the Grammys?
B's doing like, a dance revue, and talking in between singing bits about legendary females singers.
S: She's totally lip-syncing. By the way.
Beyoncé introduces Tina Turner, who is wearing a very tight, very silver pantsuit, through which you can see her nipples. It's quite something.
A: K, the back fat needs to be hidden better than that.
Miss B comes back out to help Tina do "Proud Mary." I have to say that I like the length of Beyoncé's hair a lot. She has sadly not put pants on, but is at least singing for herself now. This is quite a rousing number.
9:10 p.m. Nelly Furtado (simpering, as usual), Andy Williams and Rosalyn Sanchez to present Burt Bacharach's Lifetime Achievement Award, and also Song of the Year. Sarah really likes Nelly Furtado's dress but can't get over the rest of her. Nominees: "Before He Cheats," "Hey There Delilah," "Like a Star," "Rehab" and "Umbrella." GO PLAIN WHITE T'S!!!! It's totally gonna be Amy Winehouse. PLEASE DON'T BE AMY WINEHOUSE. It's totally Amy Winehouse. A chorus of extremely loud NOOOOOOOOOOs erupt from the couches in this house.
S: "Nooo, nooo, nooo."
Nelly Furtado: Amy's in London...
S: IN REHAB.
Nelly Furtado: ...So we're happy to accept this award on her behalf.
S: IN REHAB.
9:18 p.m. FOOOOOO FIGHTERS!!!!! Jason Bateman! We love Jason Bateman! We wish he was hosting the whole show. First, he has to present the My Grammy Moment winner, and it's the hot Asian chick. Whatever. FOOOOOOOOOO.
S: ILU, Dave Grohl! Even though you're kind of old and fat now.
A: He's not fat!
S: He's kinda fat. He's fatter than he used to be.
A: He just has really bad hair. But no matter, it's still Dave Grohl. And he's so not fat! He's skinny!
S: His face is fat.
A: It is not.
S: He looks a lot different than he used to. Back in the "Monkey Wrench" days. Hello, Cousin Itt.
9:30 p.m. George Lopez. Why? Announcing Brad Paisley. Oh, sure.
S: Oh no you didn't.
S: Leopard print guitar.
A: It is not! It's paisley! Because he's Brad Paisley!
9:35 p.m. Chris Brown, Solange and Akon. Best Rap Album of the Year. Chris Brown is wearing a white suit jacket with red trim and red pants. He says something about how he's still a minor. Oh, hon. You're 18; that's good enough for me. Nominees: Common, Jay-Z, Nas, T.I. and Kanye. Winner? Kanye. Sarah was hoping for Common. Kanye babbles on, as he is wont to do. He has "Momma" shaved into the back of his head, by the way. They try to play him off, but he starts talking about his momma and says, "It would be in good taste for you to stop the music now."
A: It would be in good taste for you to SHUT UP. Agh!
9:39 p.m. Ludacris announces Cab Calloway's Lifetime Achievement Award. We all agree Ludacris looks sharp and is an upstanding citizen. He's announcing Bebe Winans and ARETHA FREAKING FRANKLIN. I am going to sum this up with one comment: Aretha should rethink the sleeveless idea. This is a whole gospel medley, with what we can only assume are the gospel nominees. Not that we would be shown that award or anything.
9:54 p.m. Some country singer (Dierks Bentley, maybe?) and Carole King. They announce a Lifetime Achievement Award to someone, but I didn't hear who because Sarah was laughing. Anyway, here's Feist. Yay Feist! She's performing on a shag rug. No, I don't know why, but I know she is awesome.
9:57 p.m. Keely Smith, a classy lady. Kid Rock, not so much with the classy. They banter. It's not cute. Then they sing, and it's kinda cute. And they will be presenting Best Rock Album to Daughtry, John Fogerty, Foo Fighters (YES PLEASE), Bruce Springsteen or Wilco. Wilco! Nice. Foo Fighters win! YES!! Our first moral victory of the evening! We think Dave Grohl's wife is very beautiful, in a non-obnoxious, natural sort of way. Dave dedicates the award to his daughter Violet, because he is just that kind of a guy.
10:08 p.m. 25-time Grammy winner Stevie Wonder to announce Berry Gordy's Lifetime Achievement award and introduce Alicia Keys. He sings a few bars of "No One," and does it way better than her.
A: Agh! Agh! Agh!
S: Oof. Ohhh. Oh boy.
A: I thought you liked her.
S: I don't mind her... I was talking about her plastic leggings that she's wearing. Or rubber or whatever they are.
(I, for the record, was talking about the note she totally cacked.)
A: JOHN MAYER!!!! It's instantly better. His hair even looks... reasonable.
S: I like him better with long hair.
C: I think he's pretty cute.
A: But what about his hair?
C: What about it? Is something wrong with it?
S: Is his mic on?
A: I can't hear him at all.
S: K, here's what I think, Alicia Keys. This is what I think about this. If you're going to play the piano, then play the piano.You need to commit. Don't get up and try to be Beyoncé in the middle of your song. Either play the piano or don't.
10:15 p.m. Ringo Starr and someone. Dave someone. Nominees for Best Country Album: Dierks Bentley, Vince Gill, Tim McGraw, Brad Paisley and George Strait. Vince Gill wins. Amy Grant is very excited for her second husband Vince Gill. Vince Gill is astonished that he just had an award handed to him by a Beatle. And, in hands down the best moment of the night...
Vince Gill: Have ya had that happen yet, Kanye?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *fist pumps* VINCE GILL, FOR THE WIN!
S: That was beautiful.
Kanye is laughing in the audience, thank God. I thought there might be a throwdown. (Incidentally, my money would be on Vince Gill. Kanye's glasses would impede his vision.)
THIS IS THE LONGEST SHOW EVER.
10:22 p.m. Some actor whose name we can't remember, but he might be from The Sopranos, announcing Lifetime Achievement Awards to Itzhak Perlman and Max Roach. TRUFAX: Sarah Miller and I went to college with a drummer named Max Roach. And now, Lang Lang and Herbie Hancock will be performing "Rhapsody in Blue," and Sarah and I both have fits. This is so freaking wicked, man. We give them a standing ovation in the living room. COME ON. I mean, COME ON. Man. No words.
10:31 p.m. Some guy with an accent and Taylor Swift, presenting Best Rap Collaboration. The nominees involve way too much typing, so you'll have to satisfy yourself with the knowledge that we really don't want Kanye to win because we are so done with his speeches. Fortunately for all of us, Rihanna and Jay-Z take it for "Umbrella." And lo, there was much rejoicing.
10:38 p.m. Cuba Gooding, Jr., WTF. He's in London, announcing, FROM REHAB, Amy Winehouse. I would say she looks awful, but that's pretty much redundant. We really do not get her appeal, on any level whatsoever. The lyrics are terrible, not to mention terribly boring. The music is unremarkable. Her "dancing" is pitiful. She has dead eyes. Even her backup singer-dancers are terrible – when they're allowed to sing.
S: I think the people who tried to make her go to rehab should have tried a little harder.
C: Why is she singing this song when she's IN rehab?
A: I don't even have words for how bad this is. She seriously looks like she needs to pee. Something is for real, seriously, truly wrong with her. She is so creepy.
10:44 p.m. Tony Bennett and Natalie Cole. Oh good, something to cleanse my palate a little. Doris Day is receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award, and Sarah and I are singing "Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)." Tony and Natalie are also presenting the award for Record of the Year. Nominees: "Irreplaceable" (Beyoncé), "The Pretender" (Foo Fighters), "Umbrella" (Rihanna feat. Jay-Z), "What Goes Around... /... Comes Around" (Justin Timberlake), "Rehab" (Amy Winehouse). Come on, anyone but Amy Winehouse! Winner: freaking Amy Winehouse.
S: Are you freaking kidding me?
This is so ridiculous. Why are we rewarding this crazy lady's behaviour?
S: "Well, little girls, if you want to grow up and be a singer, all you've got to do is a lot of crack! And not go to rehab. And write a song about it!"
So much ugh. Not enough ugh.
10:55 p.m. S: Blah blah blah, President's message.
Some cute guy (Eldar, or something?) is playing the piano and kicking ass.
Dead people montage. They finish off with Pavarotti.
S: Ohh, Maestro.
A: Oh right, now we have to listen to Josh Groban and Andrea Boccelli try to be Pavarotti.
C: I DON'T WAAAANNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA.
11:01 p.m. Josh Groban is playing the piano. Sarah wonders whether he is really going to commit. They're singing "The Prayer."
A: Isn't this song kind of... over?
C: "Lead us to a plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace."
S: Sing it, Colleen.
A (as Josh Groban stands up and walks across the stage): He didn't commit, Sarah.
S: Nope. Oh, they're hugging each other.
A: Well, he's blind. Somebody has to guide him!
S: He's just standing there! What's he gonna do? Fall off the stage?
A: So many tonsils!
C: It just isn't right if it isn't Celine, guys.
A: This was my grad song.
S: Seriously? Wasn't that like... 2002?
S: Isn't this like... 2008?
S: They need to get a new song.
11:10 p.m. Bonnie Raitt. Is it over yet, Bonnie Raitt? Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. And some other guy on the guitar whose name we missed. Jerry Lee Lewis is totally playing "Great Balls of Fire." Awesome. This is never going to be over. What is the award count at now? 8? In 3+ hours? Great.
11:22 p.m. will.i.am, Rapping about the Grammys' birthday.
11:24 p.m. Usher and Quincy Jones. Hey, isn't he Rashida Jones's dad or something? They tell us Mark Ronson won Producer of the Year. Sigh. FINAL AWARD OF THE NIGHT, THANK THE DEAR LORD. Nominees for Album of the Year: Foo Fighters, Vince Gill, Herbie Hancock, Kanye West, Amy Winehouse. We collectively cringe.
HERBIE HANCOCK!!!!!!!!! We squeal silently in delight, because we don't want to wake the neighbours. Herbie Hancock is THE MAN. Good night!
(Also, check out our Top Fives of 2007!)
I believe that I said "Praise the Lord" when it was over, you left that out. I would like to give a Grammy Award to the Grammys for longest show ever, and most extraneous amount of performances.
The Academy would probably pass that award right along to Amy Winehouse.