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Big Mike is up first, and his pre-performance package tells us about how his mom's death caused him to switch from football to music. His Rolling Stones choice is "Miss You." The showmanship required for the Stones really suits his cocky, overdone swagger, so, you know, it's pretty good. Considering how mad he made me last week.

The judges all agree that it was very good and they throw around showmanship stuff, like what I said. Simon found it "kinda corny," because tonight he is playing the part of the voice of reason.

Ryan asks Simon a question, Simon gets snarky, and Ryan gets ALL up in Simon's grill, like literally, hands on the judges' table, man-to-man and the whole bit, because he wants Simon to give constructive criticism. It's all very intense?

Didi's turn next, and we learn little about her except that her mom can't stand to watch her get judged on the show. She's opted to sing "Play With Fire." She can rock harder than I would have suspected, and she looks hot. I'm ok with it all, but not like blown away, which is fine.

The judges all agree that she's heading in the right direction. Simon agrees with me that it was solid, but not brilliant, and that she can continue to do better.

Now we have Casey, who had a lot of seizures as a kid and has a very talented family, allegedly. His mom seems like a really sweet lady. Casey is singing "It's All Over Now," with a return to the electric guitar. The singing is great, the guitar is great, the performance is great, and the hair is in FINE form. Two thumbs up, Casey.

Randy compares him to Jonny Lang, which: yes. For once, the dawg is right. Ellen makes an actually hilarious lesbian joke. Kara says that he is no longer trying to be a rock star, but is a rock star tonight. Simon wishes he would have used the stage more, and then it could have been incredible. Simon is wise.

Casey makes Ryan look so short. Like, mini.

Lacey is next, and she too has a supportive family, just like everybody else so far. She's doing "Ruby Tuesday" with a string quartet, which I approve of. Everybody is singing SO MUCH BETTER than on the small stage. What's the reason for this? Better instrumentation? Better monitors? More rehearsal time? I feel kind of justified in the fact that I've liked Lacey all along -- she has such a fab, unique voice.

Randy calls her the "most interesting one of the night." The judges are all kind of comme ci, comme ça about it, with Simon providing the most insightful comment in that she's acting and overthinking it a bit, but her vocals were very good.

Lacey's outfit is terrifying me. Lacy (har har) bustier over one-shoulder striped sailor shirt? I don't know.

Now we're on to Andrew, who had a rougher life growing up, but guess what? Supportive parents! And hey, we love supportive parents. I have some myself. Andrew is singing "Gimme Shelter." He has opted to sing without his guitar this evening, and without it he is rather boring. He is by far the weakest singer thus far.

Simon and Kara have a spat over the relative intensity of The Rolling Stones or something. Generally the judges were ok with it, but they want better for Andrew. Simon notes that he was better in rehearsal, so... watch for that in the end-of-show recap, I guess.

Katie now, to tackle the most iconic rock band of all time (according to Ryan, though I wouldn't argue), with... what else, "Wild Horses." PLEASE DON'T WRECK THIS SONG FOR ME, KATIE. Ryan interrogates her about how much she knows of the Stones. Fortunately, she can name Mick Jagger. Obviously we are safe in her hands. Anyway, her video package is actually kind of cute, with bad 8-year-old wedding singing and what have you.

Her vocal on "Wild Horses," however is decent with mostly good pitch, and though she forgoes the pageant smile, it's still a little Katie's First Big Vocal Recital for me, probably due in part to the extra, extra Lolita-esque dress and tights.

Randy and Ellen are positive about it, Kara thinks she's headed in the right direction, and Simon is proud of her song choice.

Next! Tim Urban! And his big family! He's singing "Under My Thumb," and about the best thing I can say about it is that... he looks pretty hot. It's like he's trying to turn this into a Mraz-style love song, reggae beat and all. His vocal is meh at best.

Randy thinks it was bizarre, Ellen boos her own self for saying that she wasn't wowed, Kara at least applauds him for trying something different, and Simon simply says it didn't work and Rolling Stones fans would be turning their TV off.

I just now found out that Dakota Fanning is in the Joan Jett biopic with Kristen Stewart. I'm living in a special kind of hole over here.

Siobhan now, bringing us some decent singing, one hopes. Siobhan has a big, artsy family. "Paint It Black"! (Comma optional.) I could not be happier about this match-up. Hey, Siobhan is also hot. I don't think I knew that. The performance is good, and arguably the most exciting of the night so far (although this is not saying much), but her pitch is not as impeccable as I would like. She has some pretty fancy goth-type glory notes at the end, which: interesting. Not perfect; interesting.

The judges all loved how interesting it was, and they agree it was the standout performance of the night. Simon points out that some people might hate it, but polarizing is better than boring.

And Lee now, looking hopelessly nervous and being quizzed insipidly about paint by Seacrest. Lee's parents are unfailingly adorable. And it's my favourite Rolling Stones song, "Beast of Burden." Ryan confides that Lee is really nervous about this. Because his shaking hands weren't supposed to give that away? But God, it's gorgeous. Like, I LOVE the original, but I sort of wish it sounded like this. Hinder what? Who?

Randy thought it was dope. LEE. STOP BEING SO CUTE WITH YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS AND YOUR LEATHER JACKET. Ellen felt like she wanted more from it, and Kara agrees that the energy was a little low, but she thinks Lee is growing faster than anybody else. Simon likes Lee and his story, but he doesn't think that he shines enough. Ohhhh, I don't know. I can think of a few girls that might disagree, like for instance my friend who tried for 20 minutes to vote for Lee last night until she realized that, as a Canadian, she could not. Heh. Anyway, Simon says a bunch of nice things about Lee in hopes of boosting his confidence, and tells him to come back next week with a ~*moment*~.

Paige's turn. Her family story is largely uneventful. She's singing "Honky Tonk Women," but she changes almost all the lyrics so that she's like, a honky tonk woman in need of a honky tonk man, and just... no. She sings very well, though -- very well. But the whole thing with the lyrics cobbled together like that, it just makes me uncomfortable. (Also, is that legal?)

Ellen lets slip that Paige is having voice troubles, and... what? She sounded amazing. The hoarseness seems to be helping matters, if anything. The judges agree that it sounded great, but she could hit it even harder. Simon isn't sure that she is quite connecting yet.

Ryan asks her how much she was able to rehearse this week, and she says that was the first time she sang it full-out all week. Well. I'm impressed.

Little Aaron Kelly is up next, talking about his very small hometown and his adopted mom, whose name, hand to God, is Kelly Kelly. WHAT. I just... So Aaron is singing "Angie," which is probably the best choice he could have made under the circumstances, and I personally believe his hair is looking better than it has. The performance is quite staid, and other than that, it's all typical Little Aaron up in here.

All four judges are very complimentary (nice, not free) about it, with Ellen even suggesting that it, along with Siobhan's performance, was the most memorable of the night.

And finally, Crystal Bowersox. (Only some contestants really necessitate last names; she is one.) Crystal's father is a delight. She will be singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and it is, of course, the best of the night... and I might be gently placing a foot or two on the Crystal bandwagon. And it must be said that her teeth are looking much, much better.

The judges love Crystal; they all agree that she's effortless, but they want her to show more personality because she doesn't have this as wrapped up as people might think. Crystal thanks Simon for saying that, but avers that she doesn't feel that way herself.

To recap: Big Mike was typical, Didi was better than usual, Casey was wicked good but stood still, Lacey justified her presence if you ask me, Andrew pretty much sucked (but yes, his pre-taped recap footage is better), Katie was also quite bad, Tim sucked less than he has, Siobhan killed everyone dead with just one look, Lee was interminably hot and also way awesome, Paige and her laryngitis were better than expected, Little Aaron was Little Aaron but softer, and Bowersox rox my sox.

So how did all of this end up shaking out? Well, we've got an hour-long filler results show to tell us, so let me boil all that down for you.

We learn that the judges' save comes into effect again this week, until the Top 5. Oh sigh. Really? How arbitrary.

We get DAVID COOK EEEEEEEEE belting "Jumpin' Jack Flash" with ease. Remember when he won this show? ...Aaaahhh, memories. Those were the days. David chats with Ryan a bit about how things are going, and this serves to remind us just how tiny Ryan's head is.

The Idols (minus flu-ridden Casey) do their first Ford commercial to The Hives' "Tick Tick Boom."

And now, a few results: Paige is in the Bottom 3. Lee is safe, even without Canada's votes. Siobhan is safe. Little Aaron is safe. Andrew and Tim are made to stand up together, and one of them is in the Bottom 3. Which one? Tim. Andrew is safe.

Then we get Orianthi, doing the same song she did on SYTYCD last season.

More results: Didi is safe. Crystal is safe. Katie is safe. Big Mike is safe. Lacey and Casey stand up together, how rhyme-y of Ryan. Casey is obviously safe, so Lacey is the third member of the Bottom 3.

This is the right Bottom 3. Ryan tortures everybody by asking Ellen if any of these three would be worth using the judges' save on. Of course not. She waffles a bit before throwing out an unconvincing "Yeesss?" Simon says one of them is worth saving, and we all know he means Paige, even though she's not. None of them have a shot in hell of winning this.

Anyway, Ryan sends Tim back to the couches, so now it's down to either Paige or Lacey.

But first: Ke$ha. *headdesk* She is singing "Blah Blah Blah," so I hope the network has their censor fingers primed and ready. Ugh, everything about her is so offensive, from her utter lack of talent to her complete inability to lip sync convincingly to the headdress... thing... she slaps on her head. What has become of us that we are entertained by this?

Further results: Paige is safe for another week and Lacey will be singing "The Story" for the judges' save. This is so anticlimactic. Obviously they are not saving her, despite their pretense of deliberation during her song. She expects it and is very gracious.

Altogether... an unsurprising Top 12 week. I deeply hope things get more exciting at some point. Soon.

Tags: american idol, recap