Much like my previous piece, 'They Shoot Simpsons, Don't They?', I must also preface this manifesto by admitting that throughout my life I have spent countless hours watching Fox TV and have genuinely enjoyed some of their fine programming. God forbid I come across like a 'hater'.
IDOLS VS GLEEKS
I've never watched a full episode of American Idol. But, being the diehard Aerosmith fan that I am, I felt curiously compelled this season to check out my favourite front man Steven Tyler sweetly emote his constructive criticism to today's youthful talent.
Welcome to finale week! I am so deeply glad that we are almost done with this dreadful season. Dear sweet Idol producers, please make next year suck less.
Here we go with performance night...
Ryan does the now familiar open with his back to the darkened Nokia Theatre before the lights come on and we see all the people gathered to celebrate mediocrity.
Tonight! Contestants' picks and judges' picks! Ryan's opener gets lamer each and every week.
Casey's pick for himself is "OK, It's All Right with Me" by Eric Hutchinson. It's a good choice for him, and he does a great job, but as usual it is nothing particularly special. This just lacks all excitement.
After tonight, only two more weeks left in this godforsaken season.
Harry Connick Jr. The songs of Frank Sinatra (which I guess means any song he ever touched). Five singers left. Everybody looks fabulous. Expect lots of caps tonight. So let's get 'er done.
Harry is not only mentoring but also arranging and playing piano with the band tonight. That's fun!
Something is amiss with my cursor.
All right, it's Shania Twain Week here in Top 6 Land, and I hope somebody sings "You Win My Love." It's my favourite. So many singing into a hairbrush in front of my bedroom mirror memories for me. Wait... actually, I hope no one sings it.
Your very dedicated recapper is very tired and it is very late and Alicia Keys, my all-time non-favourite is here mentoring, so things may be a smidge punchy and/or short this go-round. Also: Idol Gives Back, which is sure to make me vomit with happiness. Or inspiration. Since this is "Songs of Inspiration" week. I may need some toast to get through this.
The Top 9 (again) will delight us with Elvis Presley songs tonight, guided by dear Adam Lambert. This is the one time in my life I'm thankful for Glee, because its return means that the performance episode can only be 90 minutes long. PRAISE BE.
Adam, unsurprisingly, wants to be honest but constructive.
Ohhh, the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Remember the first time they did that? Will we have any similar moments tonight? ...Perhaps if I can get my DVR to cooperate. Ah yes, there we go. (There was no sound. And no, I did not have it muted.)
Oh good, so I'm especially stream-of-consciousness tonight.