Filed under: Recaps & Reviews
Crystal Bowersox has some sort of medical situation, so the boys are going first this week. Umm... ok? That must have been fun for them.
Ryan introduces the contestants (I must be crabby tonight, because Casey is suddenly doing nothing for me) and the judges (rearranged to Randy, Ellen, Kara, Simon now; Kara's a little Spicoli in her diction this eve), and then we're off to the races with yet more Billboard Hits.
Big Mike Lynche is up first, and in his pre-song package, he tells us he can bench over 500 pounds ("About 3-4 Ryan Seacrests, depending on if he's wearing a suit or not"). Mike's singing "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown, and he's wicked good vocally, especially compared to last week's somewhat weaksauce offering... not that this song is particularly challenging tune-wise.
Cute John Park is next, and we learn that Korean is his first language. He's singing "Gravity" by John Mayer, in an attempt to be more relevant and honest. Honesty involves sitting on a stool in a white t-shirt and jeans. He too is so much better than last week, and finds some serious sweet spots in his voice.
Casey James, folks. Casey didn't have a TV for most of his life. He's doing "I Don't Wanna Be," the worst of all the Gavin DeGraw songs, which is probably perfect for his voice even though it is crappy. I am right, of course, and he's ripping it up on the electric guitar too, which is like... whatever. I'm just waiting for Chad Michael Murray to show up with a basketball.
Casey is wicked tall. And his parents are adorbs.
Alex Lambert, still looking terrified, tells us that he made up his own language in elementary school; it sounds vaguely Hawaiian. He'll be singing "Everybody Knows" by John Legend. He says he's feeling better this week, partly because he gets to play his guitar. And OMG, it's adorbs, mullet and all. I don't know, I feel like I get it. The voice, the look, the nerves, the personality, the awkward... it all comes together for Alex tonight, if you ask me.
I think Alex has a touch of the Matt Saracen or Luke Cafferty about him. I know it's the Texas factor, but maybe that's just ANOTHER TESTAMENT TO HOW AMAZING FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS IS. Watch it.
Todrick Hall shares his dance background with us and will be singing another girl song, this time "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by none other than Tina Turner. He's slow-jamming it. Like on Jimmy Fallon with the news, for real. It's not terrible, but it's sort of boring and many of the notes just aren't right enough.
Jermaine Sellers has a onesie, because the person makes the clothes, the clothes don't make the person, see? Also he steams his voice before he sings. Tonight, he's doing "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye. And guess what? He's slow-jamming it. Wake me up when he's done.
Shout-out to Ryan Seacrest: I love that you exist. I say it every week, but you are hilarity and perfection in a wee small package.
Andrew Garcia is up next, showing off his breakdancing moves. Tonight he's singing "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison, which I bet means he's not going to rearrange it much; it's already right in his wheelhouse. No guitar tonight, and at first it seems more interesting than the original, but then the bum notes get me down. Simply put, most of these other guys are better singers than Andrew.
Now we have Aaron Kelly, who loves photography and certainly has a nicer camera than I do. He is kind of adorable in his softspokenness. Tonight, he's doing "My Girl" by The Temptations, and it is what it is: a pop-country version of Motown by an adorable 16-year-old with a big voice. I think of all these guys, he actually might have the clearest picture of himself.
Oh my GOSH, I just Wikipedia'd that shit, and I DID NOT KNOW UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT THAT THE INSIPID CHILD IS CANADIAN. I AM SORRY, WORLD. For that, and for Nickelback. Deeply sorry. To make up for it, we have gifted you Ryan Reynolds and his abs.
(Great, now I am lost in a YouTube vortex of that 3-year-old kid who cried over Justin Bieber and then got to meet him on Jimmy Kimmel. Sigh.)
Tim Urban is next, telling us about his big family -- 10 kids. He prayed before he sang last week; didn't help, did it, Tim? Because know what's also important? Being in tune. He's singing Matt Nathanson's "Come On Get Higher," and he's singing it better than he sang last week, but still just not all that good. His voice is thin, his pitch is not accurate, and there is nothing interesting about his performance.
Lee Dewyze is so cute, bad choices in his high school years and all. Lee Dewyze has also lost all favour he previously gained with me by choosing to sing Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" tonight. *headdesk* The thing about this song is that it has a really pretty melody, but the subject matter is horrible. Just awful. This is a song about a guy who is on the phone with a girl he likes way better than the girl he's with. BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE, GUY FROM HINDER. It breaks my brain that anyone would pick to sing about this. "Here, let me write a song about what an AWFUL PERSON I AM AND NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT AT ALL." Like, what the f*** is stopping you from breaking up with your girl and being with this girl and her stupid angel lips? JUST DO IT. "Girl, you make it hard to be faithful"? Vom.
So whatever, he sings the song and it's decent vocally. But I am SO ANGRY.
And now, we recap the recap. Let me rank my favourites from tonight, in order from most to least: Alex Lambert, Casey, Big Mike, John Park, Andrew, Little Aaron, Todrick, Jermaine, Tim Urban, Lee. I am just as surprised as you that Alex was my favourite. I would like to see Tim and Jermaine go home, but who do I think it will be? No idea. I'm bad at this game when I don't have Canada's regional voting to rely on.
I'll be back tomorrow for the girls, maybe or maybe not minus Crystal Bowersox.
P.S. I totes posted this last night, but I forgot to activate it. Whoops.