Filed under: Recaps & Reviews
With only three ladies left, it's the much anticipated exotic location/sex date episode. We rejoin Jake and the ladies on the tail-end of their "powerful journey" in the beautiful island of St. Lucia.
Jake wonders how Ali is doing. Luckily, we're about to find out. For one, she's not at work (which is what she left the show for). Instead, she wakes up and stares wistfully at promotional photos of Jake scattered across her nightstand. She spews some garble about how her life is missing love and she's ready to go crawling back to Jake. True 21st century gal, that Ali.
Meanwhile, Jake is moving on to his first date. He voices over how he is confident that Gia will look gorgeous today. He can rest assured, she does. Gia agrees to go on a boat so Jakes dubs her adventurous and open to anything. He tells her how pretty she looks a few more times. They take a lunch time stroll, sipping on coconuts and indulging in the local flavour of the island. Jake makes her a necklace which Gia puts on her wrist and swears to never take off. We'll see about that. They dance to some reggae music - well, Gia dances while Jake bends his knees and thrusts in her direction repeatedly. Jake and Gia are ready to take a leap of faith as they metaphorically jump into the ocean. Gia wants them to say they love each other by the end of the day and commit to being with each other for the rest of their lives. My TV schedule tells me that we have one more week plus a reunion special before we get there. Jake reminisces about how pretty she looked when he first met her and Gia contemplates saying I love you to him. They both run out of stuff to say so Jake whips out the sexy-time card which lets them stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. They celebrate with a bubble bath.
Moving on to date #2. Tenley is really excited. That's a switch. Jake wants to share his passion for commercial piloting with her so naturally he takes on a helicopter ride with someone else flying it. Tenley wonders if there will be picnics and exotic islands in the real world. Jake lies through his teeth and tells her there will be. Since she's aware of the impending sexy time, Tenley is worried that she's not ready to take the next step. Her ex husband is the only person she's "spent the night with". In case we didn't hear it the first 150 times, Tenley tells Jake she has so much to love to give – her whole heart, in fact. She admits to falling in love with him. They commemorate this with another dance number. I would normally complain but after seeing Jake's attempt at thrusting to reggae music, I'm just thankful it's ballroom and keeping my damn mouth shut. Tenley hopes there s a lifetime of dancing – but is she ready to do the horizontal tango? Jake pulls out the sexy-time card. Tenley wants to spend every second she can with Jake so she agrees to stay in the fantasy suite. She sets the mood by bringing up her ex-husband and discussing her morals and ethics in great detail. As a result, I doubt these two will be getting their freak on. Tenley tells him she wouldn't spend the night with anyone – Jake respects that even though he intends on spending the night with everyone and their mom with these sexy time cards.
Speaking of which, we're on the last and final date with Vienna. Jake admits to liking the fun, immature side of Vienna. Interesting wording with "immature" – not free-spirited or youthful but immature. Their date is a ride on the pirate ship used in the Pirates of the Carribean movie which clearly Jake has never watched since he has no idea how an eye-patch works. Once again, they both conquer their fear of heights by climbing up the mast. Unfortunately for us, then he really gets into the pirate sprit and makes her walk the plank while repeatedly spanking her with a sword. They make out in the ocean and both mention how much physical chemistry there is between them. However Jake needs to establish more than just a sexual connection. They need a material one too so he asks what kind of ring she would like. Vienna predictably says princess cut. Platinum. With lots of bling around the band. With that out of the way, she is ready to lay it on the line and tells him she's fallen in love with him. Jake grins and whips out the last sexy time card which she predictably accepts. Vienna slips into the plainest lingerie I've ever seen. Seriously, I have aprons sexier than that. Lucky for us, she shuts the door so we are spared whatever went on that night.
The next day, Jake's phone rings –it's Ali! How the hell did she get his number?! And why is she never at work?! Regardless, she tells him she made a huge mistake and wants to come back. Apparently work cannot fill the Jake-shaped void in her life. Unfortunately for her, her departure last week forced Jake to put his feelings for her aside. He shuts down her request to come back and stick with this three default women. But he does appreciate her calling and racking up the long distance minutes on her cell phone. But alas, a week is a long time and TV love is fickle and so our bachelor is no longer in love with Ali.
The pimp of sexy time cards, Chris Harrison sits down with Jake for their forced one on ones. Oh God – they replay the clip of the reggae pelvic thrust dance. This time the women have shot private video messages for Jake to watch before the rose ceremony. Tenley wants a life of babies, kissing and dancing forever. Gia finally admits she is falling in love with him and wants more time to open up to him and grow together. Vienna confides that from the moment she demanded to see his abs when she stepped out o f the limo in episode 1 and he complied, she knew he was the man of his dreams.
Jake gives the first rose to Tenley.
He gives the last and final rose to Vienna.
Gia forces a smile and then proceeds to make weird fish faces. She is pretty gracious and is probably the only girl to hug Vienna goodbye. Jake tells her he developed stronger feelings for the other two women. Umm, I think she figured that from the fact that you kept them and not her. Gia is a knockout even when she's crying and she and her presumably $700 shoes take the drunken walk of shame.
Watch me and my fellow panelists dicuss the latest episode here: